The Art of Self-Sabotage

Sokay, Bruce and I had a date planned recently with another couple, Alison and Chad. We'd been organizing it for a couple of weeks, and it was marked on the calendar, so I assumed everyone was aware.

I was really excited about this date. I really like Chad, Alison’s husband. It’s been working out because Alison and Bruce have hit it off and are having a great time! Chad and I have had a lot of fun, and he seems interested. However, his personality is like that of a stoic Viking warrior—quiet and observant. He doesn’t speak unless he has something important to say. Don’t get me wrong, he’s hilarious. He makes me laugh, we engage well, and the sex is amazing.

However, communication could be better. I understand his work and personality, so I get it. Anyway, I was excited about this date. As far as I knew, we were going to meet up with Alison and Chad after dinner for drinks and dancing. That’s my jam—let’s fucking go!

I woke up excited. I hadn’t talked to Chad in a few days, and I was eager to catch up. All day, I daydreamed about dancing with Chad, kissing him, all the things... he makes me a bit giddy, I’m not gonna lie.

I picked out a cute dress, spent an hour on my hair and makeup, and then it was time to head out. Just as we pulled out of the driveway, Alison texted Bruce saying Chad was tired and didn’t want to go out.

Excuse me?

With that, our plans were dashed, and we were back in the house. Disappointed, upset, rejected, and diminished—those feelings hit me like a wave as I walked back inside.

I have no idea what happened, as I’m out of the communication loop. Apparently, Alison made these plans, and I’m not sure Chad was ever fully aware or even on board. So I can’t be mad at him.

I feel like I set myself up for failure. I set expectations without communicating with Chad, so that’s on me. It all just fucking stings—the time and effort I put into planning my day, blocking out one of my only free nights, only for it to go up in smoke because someone is "tired." What the actual fuck?

The thing is, I honestly have no one to be upset with. I can’t blame anyone but myself. I’m frustrated that I keep doing this to myself—setting expectations without communication.

So here I am, the following morning, dealing with puffy eyes and a migraine from wallowing in my feels all night. I’ll clean my face and move on with my day. I’ll pack the dark feelings away because they are no one else’s problem but mine.

I’ll likely do this again to myself, like someone who drank too much and now has a burning hangover and swears they will never drink again.

Oh, I’ll drink again. Because I’m a dumb fucking idiot.

Note:

This might seem a bit strange if you're not familiar with Jonathan Swift. He's the author of "Gulliver's Travels," but he's also known for his sharp, ironic works, particularly "A Modest Proposal." In that essay, he ironically suggested that the solution to the economic troubles of 18th-century Ireland was for the poor to sell their children to the rich—as food. That’s right, he proposed child cannibalism. It's a brilliant piece, full of irony, which happens to be my favorite type of humor.

In a similar vein, I wanted to address an issue that affects so many of us today, myself included. Being unemployed in the current job market feels like an endless cycle of job searching, résumé refinement, ghosting, and rejection. 

Meanwhile, recruiters claim their jobs are just as challenging (give me a fucking break, you're employed, aren't you?). While I generally empathize with others, I find it difficult in this situation. If recruiters are struggling, they should voice their concerns to their leadership, not to the unemployed.

Therefore I offer my Modest Proposal: Feed the unemployed to the ATS monster. Jack them into the Matrix and drain them of their knowledge and experience. By doing so, it might finally understand its role better whilst helping ease the load for recruiters and culling the unemployment herd.

This piece is crafted in the spirit of satire, aiming to inject humor into the often disheartening job search process. A way to bring levity to this fucking dumpster fire. I hope you enjoy. 

A New Modest Proposal 

For Preventing the Unemployment of Qualified Individuals from Overwhelming the Job Market, and for Rendering Them Advantageous to the Efficiency of the Applicant Tracking System

Ahem,

In the current age of technological advancement and economic uncertainty, we find ourselves besieged by a peculiar dilemma: the overwhelming current job market. It has become a common sight to witness the well-educated and highly skilled wanderers of the job market, their résumés clutched tightly, as they approach the great and terrible maw of the Applicant Tracking System (ATS), a beast as ravenous as it is indifferent.


To solve the plight of these beleaguered job seekers, I propose a most ingenious solution: let us feed them, quite literally, to the ATS systems. These digital behemoths, much like the infamous Audrey II from "Little Shop of Horrors," demand constant nourishment, and what better sustenance than the very applicants who seek to appease them? By doing so, we shall fortify the system, enabling it to become more robust and precise in its selection of candidates for employment.

Picture, if you will, a grand procession of eager applicants, willingly march into the gaping digital jaws of the ATS. As they are consumed, their essence is absorbed, enhancing the system's capabilities and refining its algorithms. This noble sacrifice ensures that only the most suitable candidates are chosen, leveling the playing field for all.

This proposal offers myriad benefits. First, it alleviates the burden on recruiters, who are currently overwhelmed by the sheer volume of applications. With a more powerful and accurate ATS, recruiters can focus on engaging with the most qualified candidates, rather than sifting through an endless sea of résumés.

Second, by feeding the job seekers to the ATS, we create a sense of equity and fairness in the job market. No longer will applicants be judged solely by the whims of chance; instead, they will be evaluated by a system that has been honed to perfection through their own contributions.

Of course, this modest proposal is made with the utmost sincerity and concern for the welfare of all parties involved. It is a testament to our ingenuity and willingness to embrace unconventional solutions in the face of modern challenges.

In conclusion, let us not shy away from feeding the ATS beast, for in doing so, we may find a semblance of order amidst the chaos of the job market. After all, as the great Audrey II might say, "Feed me, Seymour!"